Proper Refractions

H and City God Temple in Shanghai

Having my sister visit was delightful. Before she even left, I started missing her.

Prior to her visit, I was aware that her visit would be a measuring-stick by which I could assess how much I had learned in China and by which I could understand how much I had personally changed in the past five months. This being her first time in China, she was like a babe in the woods--I, the guiding hand with a torch that often flickered yet never totally extinguished.

I knew she would be such a measuring-stick because she is a constant in my life and because she knows the basic elements and incidents that have contributed to my identity: She could offer insight and observations based on her own knowledge (and her representation of) my essential common denominator that is my identity.

Though I was aware that her visit would allow for some personal analysis, I was not ready for how intense my self-reflection would be--"the difference between knowing and feeling" being one of our ongoing conversations. As I watched H face certain endemically China-challenges I have long since taken for granted, I slowly awoke to all the coping and self-protecting mental mechanisms I have established over the past months.

These come in simple forms (e.g. ignoring minor annoying sounds from creaking chairs in my apartment) and in more complex ones (e.g. insisting that there is humor in the difficulty of accessing a solid internet connection to keep in touch with family and friends). Though we never explicitly discussed all my issues (oh so many), I found myself realizing that I had become an Irrational Fraction of a person: I had developed too many psychosomatic symptoms that I had not yet simplified or sorted-out using my common denominator of my identity.

Moving from one non-English-major metaphor to another, my sister also acted as a prism to refract my current mindsets. My actions and thoughts-->H's visit, observations, reminders, reflections-->refractions of my mindsets. (If I were a graphic designer, I would have somehow depicted that flow through the cover art for Dark Side of the Moon.) Our conversations paralleled my internal dialogue:

Why does it smell like feces [sic] in my apartment's courtyard?

Yeah. That smells awful.

Living in China is hard and annoying.


Did I step in something...

Where's that little white dog that walks itself...

Oh man! They're just shoveling feces [sic] out of that sewer.

Why are they doing that? Shouldn't a sewer just flow?


Anger rising...You wouldn't like me when I'm angry...

They're not even wearing masks or gloves. 

Living in China is straight ridiculous.


*Laughter*

But that is gross.


Yeah. Why...?

No "why's" in China.


I feel filthy.

Where's my Purell?

So, you can analyze that as you will. I see the internal dialogue inherently representing feelings of isolation and indicating a drive to console and encourage myself. Without a doubt there are elements of anger, delight, and denial.

If the scattered nature of the style and content in this blog post are not enough indication, I am eagerly anticipating a longer break. Starting this Friday, I will have over a month off for the Chinese New Year. I need it. Badly. The moment I stepped onto a Shanghai street last weekend, I realized how immediately refreshed I was just getting away from work and the Shenzhen that simultaneously provides ample stress and abundant discovery.

Shanghai

Here is a rough itinerary of my New Year's travels--I will be mostly incognito if not totally out of blog communication until 02/13 or shortly thereafter:
01/07: Fly to Kuala Lumpur
01/09: Fly to Kuching
01/10-01/19: Trek, raft, kayak, spalunk, and apparate around Sarawak's caves, jungles, rivers, and tribal long houses--it will be magical.
01/20-01/24: Scuba dive off the coast of Semporna, Pulau Mabul, and Pulau Sipadan
01/26: Fly to Manila
01/28-02/02: Live-aboard dive boat around Puerta Galera
02/03-02/08: Island hop from Borocay and through The Visayas--maybe some surfing, kite-boarding, white-sanded beach tanning, and more diving
02/09-02/10: Snorkel with mating whale sharks off of Donsol
02/12: Fly back to Hong Kong

I promise to take pictures and collect a few puka shells. I will be with my roommate and buddy Ryan as well as a friend (or two) who will be joining for various legs of the trip.

I am hoping that this vacation will be an opportunity for me to balance my fraction and to understand the spectrum of my refracted mindsets.

Reflections of myself in China

*****

On a slightly unrelated note, Happy 2011! As an experiment, I kept track of all the movies I saw in 2010. Here are the ones (of the 86 I saw) that I recommend:

• Up
• The Hurt Locker
• The Warriors
• Serpico
• The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford
• Revolver
• Being There
• American Splendor
• Exit Through The Gift Shop
• Inception
• Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows Pt 1
• The Social Network
• Up In The Air
• Black Swan

Maybe China isn't that weird.

Provided me with a few good laughs.

Books, Music, Movies: Shenzhen by Guy Delisle. "Parasols" by Plastic Operator, "Heart of the City" by Jay-Z, "Beast of Burden" by The Rolling Stones, "Bright Lights Bigger City" by Cee Lo Green, "Blame Game" by Kanye and John Legend, Dark Was The Night, The Love Below. Precious, The Town.