Dear Chinese citizens,
I am sorry if I did not seem happy when I said, "Hello!" I sincerely regret any tone of agitation or passive-aggressive curtness. I promise it is not personal. In fact, I swear that you could have run ahead twenty feet and asked one of the 100 people standing there if I was a warm person; each one of those 100 people said "hello" to me and received a pleasant response. Maybe if you time your day to be five-seconds earlier next time, you too will receive a smile with my "hello."
I'll make you a deal: If you stop me and say "Hello, smile!" I promise to follow your command/request. Deal? Deal.
-Elie
P.S. I realize now that you may struggle to say "smile" because of that nagging final consonant--especially since it is an "L." Consider our deal to be more of a challenge. But at least it is a challenge for all parties: If you pronounce the word correctly, I'll continue to be both the dog and the pony.
*
Dear enjoyable Chinese music scene,
Where are you?
-Elie
*
Dear Chinese hair dressers,
Take a look in your neon-rimmed mirrors. You see that guy with the skin-tight, checkered pants and the hairstyle more unique and colorful than any atop British teenage boys from Southeast England? That's you. Keep on doin' your thing.
-Elie
*
Dear Chinese nose-pickers,
Based on how many Chinese people are "digging for gold," I am in no way surprised that your country will soon surpass mine for size of economy.
-Elie
P.S. Thank you for clarifying why there are so many Chinese manicurists.
*
Dear Chinese drivers,
Thank you for hardening me this year. I am steadfastly convinced I could bike through a light tornado because of your tests and unpredictable whims. You and I had a few close calls, and you even banged-up a few of my friends who foolishly blinked while riding their bikes. Silly them. I know you and I are on good terms, though, because of all the love taps you keep giving me.
-Elie
*
Dear Chinese food tainters,
Seriously? This should not be a "fool me once...fool me twice..." situation. Your own people are disgruntled, your country has a butt-ton of money, and yet you think it's worth recycling expired food so that you can save a dime? Granted that dime is the best half of one renminbi, but still. Come on!
During my most recent bout of food poisoning (my third at your hands, my fourth this year, and my fifth in life), your food-tainting antics brought me to my knees (literally) with stomach pain. Bravo. I felt like Kane on the Nostromo.
Maybe not that bad.
All I'm saying is you should probably cease and desist.
-Elie
*
Dear Chinese litterers,
The trash can is RIGHT THERE!
-Elie
*
Dear Grade 4, Class 4,
Every Tuesday, I walk into your classroom that looks like a war zone of paper planes, playing cards, and crushed chalk. I make eye contact with each of your 100 adorably deceiving and sinister eyes. As you shout, berate, and fight, all I can think is...
...we meet again...
-Elie
*
Music, Movies, T.V.: Alexi Murdoch, Leapin' and Lopin' by Sonny Clark, Rome by Dangermouse and Jack White, Ratatat, Tropic Thunder, The Fighter, Arrested Development, Glee, 30 Rock.
I am sorry if I did not seem happy when I said, "Hello!" I sincerely regret any tone of agitation or passive-aggressive curtness. I promise it is not personal. In fact, I swear that you could have run ahead twenty feet and asked one of the 100 people standing there if I was a warm person; each one of those 100 people said "hello" to me and received a pleasant response. Maybe if you time your day to be five-seconds earlier next time, you too will receive a smile with my "hello."
 |
| Looking for the elusive Chinese jam |
-Elie
P.S. I realize now that you may struggle to say "smile" because of that nagging final consonant--especially since it is an "L." Consider our deal to be more of a challenge. But at least it is a challenge for all parties: If you pronounce the word correctly, I'll continue to be both the dog and the pony.
*
Dear enjoyable Chinese music scene,
Where are you?
-Elie
*
Dear Chinese hair dressers,
Take a look in your neon-rimmed mirrors. You see that guy with the skin-tight, checkered pants and the hairstyle more unique and colorful than any atop British teenage boys from Southeast England? That's you. Keep on doin' your thing.
-Elie
*
Dear Chinese nose-pickers,
Based on how many Chinese people are "digging for gold," I am in no way surprised that your country will soon surpass mine for size of economy.
-Elie
P.S. Thank you for clarifying why there are so many Chinese manicurists.
 |
| Buddha has some well trimmed nails |
Dear Chinese drivers,
Thank you for hardening me this year. I am steadfastly convinced I could bike through a light tornado because of your tests and unpredictable whims. You and I had a few close calls, and you even banged-up a few of my friends who foolishly blinked while riding their bikes. Silly them. I know you and I are on good terms, though, because of all the love taps you keep giving me.
-Elie
*
Dear Chinese food tainters,
Seriously? This should not be a "fool me once...fool me twice..." situation. Your own people are disgruntled, your country has a butt-ton of money, and yet you think it's worth recycling expired food so that you can save a dime? Granted that dime is the best half of one renminbi, but still. Come on!
During my most recent bout of food poisoning (my third at your hands, my fourth this year, and my fifth in life), your food-tainting antics brought me to my knees (literally) with stomach pain. Bravo. I felt like Kane on the Nostromo.
Maybe not that bad.
All I'm saying is you should probably cease and desist.
-Elie
 |
| Dragon laughing at a cemetery |
Dear Chinese litterers,
The trash can is RIGHT THERE!
-Elie
 |
| China, why are you so dirty? |
*
Dear Grade 4, Class 4,
Every Tuesday, I walk into your classroom that looks like a war zone of paper planes, playing cards, and crushed chalk. I make eye contact with each of your 100 adorably deceiving and sinister eyes. As you shout, berate, and fight, all I can think is...
...we meet again...
-Elie
*
Music, Movies, T.V.: Alexi Murdoch, Leapin' and Lopin' by Sonny Clark, Rome by Dangermouse and Jack White, Ratatat, Tropic Thunder, The Fighter, Arrested Development, Glee, 30 Rock.
No comments:
Post a Comment
Thoughts on the onion: