My Sincerest Apologies

My friends and readers,

I owe you an apology for being so aloof recently. To call my writing sporadic would be generous. While there is no excuse for me shirking my social responsibilities (i.e. retaining domain name and space, keeping in touch with friends and family, etc.), please forgive me in lieu of many stresses and distractions.

Since returning to Denver (see entries on Tumblr), I experienced an undue and illogical pressure to "get my life in order." I have placed the phrase in quotations because that's a phrase I repeated to myself. I was not entirely sure of what "getting my life in order" meant.

I am still not entirely sure of the meaning behind that line. I think there is some sort of implication about financial security, occupational direction, intellectual inclinations, and so on. Many peers probably know what sentiment I'm referencing.

In any case, I felt a certain stagnant solitude having to return to a place I had already spent 18 years (albeit, pleasant and warm years). I had a view of myself being someone needing active and new pursuits in order to be moving forward in personal development and personal exploration.

This impression had compelled me into zeal over a move to Portland, Oregon. Not to discredit this zeal as Portland offered much opportunity and camaraderie in a new and unexplored environ, my emotions misinformed me to the point of myopic expectations of myself, my new digs, and those around me. I did not expect Portland to solve my problems; I expected Portland to offer me some distance from the aforementioned solitude in such a way that I could gain a clarity about my contemporaneous self with regards to my priorities and my passions--ultimately, based on these factors, my pursuits.

Unfortunately, I have spent much of my time in Portland pressuring myself back into this notion of "getting my life in order." This time, the notion has implied more about economic stability so that I would have time and comfort to figure my priorities and my passions. This has been wishful thinking.

I don't think that life allows us these sort of mental breaks from stresses that we all hope will happen once we conquer whatever is bugging us. There is always something to worry about. This is not an original thought, and I am inclined to direct any questions pertaining to the matter to the Woody Allen filmography and/or library.

I have been forcing myself to find a job. Reasonable and not a totally irrational pursuit.

Of course that's reasonable! It's sane. Unfortunately, I have been forcing myself to pursue positions that have little-to-no interest to me and which I know would only elicit misery and self-pity should I work those positions just to pay my bills or pad my account for a later adventure. Still, my lack of success in finding a job after applying to close to 100 positions in just one month...well...it has been demoralizing in the face of my knowledge that it may not actually be a result of personal failure or my own shortcomings. I have felt pretty far down about the process.

But, I am coming to a point of contentedness. Portland has been one of many opportunities. While none of the sub-opportunities of Portland have proven successful, I retain the right to pursue others.

So, a commitment to myself: If I cannot find a position in Portland by the end of this month of aggressive job pursuit, I will admit that Portland is not a sustainable environment for me at this point in my life. I will not rule out Portland for the future. But, I will remember that I am experimenting with the world and exploring myself. Enough bemoaning that which is out of my control (Damn you economy and your filthy out-of-control unemployment rates and highly competitive job application implications!) and time to celebrate this unique moment in life.

Perhaps a visit to my friend Jack to work on developing a tour company in Buenos Aires? Perhaps I will find a program at minimal cost (Or, gadzooks, no cost!) to send me abroad? To send me into a domestic volunteering situation? Perhaps a reunion with my lady friend to enjoy love and collaborative exploration of the world? Perhaps I will find a way to pursue scuba diving in a Spanish speaking country? Sweet sweet options.

I am doing well. I am finding peace of mind with my moment. I am sorry that I have been out-of-touch about myself and my adventures. I vow more connectedness--after all, connectedness is what I have always found to be invigorating and motivating.

Thank you for your understanding; happy new year; and all the best, fellow travelers!

Brief updates on random items:
-Antony and I are working on starting a book club. Our first meeting will be at the end of the month and we will discuss the first half of "100 Years of Solitude." Excelente.
-I am also reading Richard Dowden's impressively insightful book, "Africa." For anyone interested in trying to understand anything about the continent, I highly recommend the book.
-I am reveling in Netflix glory. I've seen all of "30 Rock," the first season of "Lost," and oodles of Netflix Instant films. I will try to be more diligent about my media writing.
-I am interviewing for Princeton in Asia, American Jewish World Service World Partners Fellowship, and various catering positions.
-Enjoying the tunes of Local Natives, Miike Snow, Yeasayer, The xx, and Andrew Bird.
-I just started a Twitter account--feel free to follow.

More importantly, we must all revel in the spice of life.