Thai/Tie Pun II: El(i)es and Wats' Wat

After a two month hiatus from blogging, I am returning with recollections--recollections of the two month hiatus from blogging. I do not feel like my vacation was a "whirlwind" or that it "flew by." Actually, eight weeks of vacation feels exactly like eight weeks of vacation when entire weeks are defined by a specific activity, reunions, and locations. This is the fourth and final entry of journal "highlights"--here is the first entry, the second entry, and the third entry (which was the first half of my time in Thailand). These are excerpts from what I wrote while I was in or around Chiang Mai and Cambodia. Hereafter, I promise my blog's contents will shift from personal journal regurgitation.

Eyes of the ele

***

01/28

I slept terribly last night; I woke repeatedly to mosquitoes biting my face. At least they weren't bed bugs.

Our cubby in our train car sleeps four passengers. Coincidentally, I bump into a fellow alum from my childhood summer camp--he sleeps two-cubbies-down.

01/29

"Good morneen," the car manager calls as she walks the aisle. "Brekfest fifteen minoots."

I slide open my lower berth's curtains. The air-con reasserts its unforgettable presence without the poor shield that was the curtain; I've been freezing for the nearly nine hours of Benadryl-clouded sleep. At some point in the night, I wake to put on my flannel; the cotton blanket does not match the pillow in comfort-level. 

While eating my rice soup with chicken, I join our cubby's roommates (a body-odor-plagued French couple) in watching the hills covered in tropical forest--not quite rainforest. We rumble past a pineapple orchard, and I wonder if I'm not stationary while everything crashes past.

Thai/Tie Pun.

After a two month hiatus from blogging, I am returning with recollections--recollections of the two month hiatus from blogging. I do not feel like my vacation was a "whirlwind" or that it "flew by." Actually, eight weeks of vacation feels exactly like eight weeks of vacation when entire weeks are defined by a specific activity, reunions, and locations. This is the second entry of journal "highlights"--here is the first entry and the second entry. These are excerpts from what I wrote while I was in Thailand's south and Bangkok. More soon, friends and family!

Thai style

***
 
01/17
 
I watch the sunset beyond the backside of the wings. Because of visa restrictions and unexpected inquiries at the ticket desk in Hawaii, I'm not even sure that I can enter Thailand without an onward ticket--I just have the plan to walk across the border to Cambodia.

After reading last year's journal entries, I begin a line of questioning about my direction and my context. I come to a conclusion that I do not feel lost, but I am certainly not feeling as engaged in my daily life as I would like to be.

While I was out...

I suppose I should have expected that I would not have been able to live-up to my expectations to have posted at least one entry while on my whirlwind three-and-a-half week tour of the United States. Still, I am disappointed in myself for not writing just once. I barely even wrote in my personal journal. And I find that when I procrastinate [or avoid prioritizing] my written reflections, I tend to forget the pithy phrasings and descriptive language to which I sometimes dedicate hours of internal editing.

Alas! I have forgotten some of the whimsical and some of the refined observations on America and my American interactions that all seemed strangely familiar.

Flatirons, CO

"Real"...Generally speaking.

There are several excerpts from Lonely Planet's guide to China that reference "the real China." For instance, there is a quote in the section on Yangshuo that mentions how the mountain-town-cum-tourist-mecca is a far-stretch from "the real China." Being a cynical traveler, I heeded these words and mentally prepared for lots of schmaltzy tourist swag and fake touts; but being a cynical traveler, I also am skeptical of what Lonely Planet means by "the real China." (For more on cynicism, I recommend viewing 06/09/2011's episode of South Park: "Your Getting Old.")

One of my fellow tai ji students named Simon is seriously considering staying in China for a long period of time now that his holiday has been such a personal success. He recently passed his TEFL exam and is job hunting in Yangshuo. He also asked me whether I though that Yangshuo was an example of "the real China."

Real Chinese cow cooling off

Yin and Yang(shuo)

View from my second story porch swing

After a brief lay-over in Hong Kong (with the purpose of procuring a tourist visa for the summer), I took a sleeper bus to Yángshuò(阳朔). Known for it's karst mountains, 阳朔 is as beautiful and invigorating as stories make-it-out to be. The tropical spring weather of South China is on the brink of bursting into unbearable summer heat, but I still get afternoon rains that cool the air and make for peaceful sunsets over either of the two rivers that come through the county. While 阳朔 town has become quite the tourists' mecca over the past few years (and thus has plenty of bars, cafes, and restaurants to cater to Westerners), I am stationed in a valley about four kilometers from the town. I am studying tai ji at Long Tou Shan ("Dragon's Head Mountain") School in a small village. It is generally very quiet with minimal traffic, the occassional tourist cyclist, and a lot of frogs croaking at dusk.

Shorts

I am writing this post as I peel super glue off of my fingers. I bought the super glue to fix one of my cuff links. I bought the cuff links to match the bow ties that I have worn daily until the weather recently reached too uncomfortably high of a temperature and too dense of a barometric pressure--sweet sweet humidity. I even bought a set of cuff links to match the "Chinese-lucky-red" bow tie that I bought to match the lining of my custom made black suit which I wore to see Hilary Hahn and the English Chamber Orchestra at the Shenzhen Concert Hall.

***

 

A few weeks ago, several friends and I motorbiked our way up one of the local mountains. At the peak, we casually ambled through a Buddhist temple that was adorned with bright pink Japanese maples and mist machines enshrouding a network of small canals that provided shelter for hundreds of turtles. Beyond the peak's fifty-foot-tall golden Buddha, an expansive valley stretched into the hazy distance of factory smog originating beyond the far-side-of-the-valley's mountains. A small locomotive (in the fashion of a Wild West coal train) chugged around the peaks' sides and stopped at a water park on a lake, at a garden with millions of flowers categorized by color and not species, at a golf course that climbed the side of a mountain (seems like a difficult obstacle), and at a few stations in a village of alpine-looking buildings constituting a secret neighborhood called "Interlaken."

***

Pilipin

Everybody! Pose like a Chinese schoolgirl!

This post is a continuation of the last--my recent series of lazy rehashing of my journal.

01/27:

My thoughts (especially those I deem worth writing) have slowed. Is this a sign of relaxation? A shift in mindset due to current state and prospective jobs? Or an indication of having processed my anxieties to a point of acceptance?
*
I pass-out to power ballads blasting on a bus between Clark and Manila. When I wake, it's to a dingy city covered in filth, billboards, box buildings, and few green things. During our brief walk to get bi-bim-bop, our senses are assaulted by honking cars, neon, whispering drug dealers, and self-advertising prostitutes.
*

01/28:

Street vendors and hustlers walk the aisles of our bus as we slowly drift through Manila traffic with the coach door open.

Children wearing only underwear sit on our fast-craft pontoon and beg while the sun beats on their tanned skin.
*
Thin beaches. Coves with bangkas. Perfect sunsets. Drunken admissions and mosquito net riggings. 

Bo-oh-rneo: The Right Stuff

Mes amis! I have returned to technological society from another peaceful foray into off-the-grid living. Much has shifted in my mindset since I wrote my last post, and I have returned from five weeks of vacation (Chinese New Year: 新年快乐) with a relaxed and optimistic mindset.

As per my usual laziness and my routine risk of exploding with thought-peristalsis upon returning from vacations, I will be composing this post and the next (about the Philippines) mostly from excerpts from my [new, leather-bound] journal--thanks Mom and Papa. Prior to quoting myself (i.e. "tooting my own horn"), here is an adjusted itinerary from my original plan:

01/07-09: Kuala Lumpur
01/09-13: Kuching and Batang Lemanak (Sarawak, Borneo)
01/13-16: Bintulu and Similajau National Park (Sarawak, Borneo)
01/16-18: Niah National Park (Sarawak, Borneo)
01/18-20: Miri, Kota Kinabalu (Sarawak and Sabah, Borneo)
01/20- 23: Pulau Mabul (Sabah, Borneo)
01/23-26: Semporna, Kota Kinabalu (Sabah, Borneo)
01/26-27: Manila (Philippines)
01/27-01/31: Sabang, Roxas (Philippines)
01/31-02/05: Borocay (Philippines)
02/05-07: Roxas--Capiz (Philippines)
02/07-12: Masbate, Donsol, Legazpi, Manila (Philippines)

I read eight books and saw way too many low-grade movies during that time. Here are some more thoughts.

01/07:

With my head in my hand, I still don't feel the relief of vacation. Something inside me balks as though I would wake-up tomorrow to be back at the start of today--like a Groundhog Day loop of surreal zeal and distanced hesitation.
*
I'm starting this year, this trip, and this journal as an exhausted version of myself. I'm tired of planning this holiday...of the isolation and alienation I experience at school...of planning my "next step" with only one application submitted for next year...of social stress. The vibrations from vehicular motion lure me into slumber

Proper Refractions

H and City God Temple in Shanghai

Having my sister visit was delightful. Before she even left, I started missing her.

Prior to her visit, I was aware that her visit would be a measuring-stick by which I could assess how much I had learned in China and by which I could understand how much I had personally changed in the past five months. This being her first time in China, she was like a babe in the woods--I, the guiding hand with a torch that often flickered yet never totally extinguished.

I knew she would be such a measuring-stick because she is a constant in my life and because she knows the basic elements and incidents that have contributed to my identity: She could offer insight and observations based on her own knowledge (and her representation of) my essential common denominator that is my identity.

Though I was aware that her visit would allow for some personal analysis, I was not ready for how intense my self-reflection would be--"the difference between knowing and feeling" being one of our ongoing conversations. As I watched H face certain endemically China-challenges I have long since taken for granted, I slowly awoke to all the coping and self-protecting mental mechanisms I have established over the past months.

R-E-G-R-E-T, find out what it means to me.

I have been thinking a lot about decision making. The years immediately following undergraduate education have the potential to be a no-man's-land in a battle between embracing youth (and it's potential) and pursuing direction. This transitional space is rife with landmines and barbed wire that are otherwise referred to as "major life decisions." Some dodge the battlefield--blindly realizing that this, in and of itself, is a decision in regards to how to handle one's own life (i.e. procrastination and denial). I know others who look to maneuver around obstacles; and I know others who will do whatever it takes to steadfastly embrace youthful pursuits or to devotedly labor at the "next step."

Bear, motorcycle, high wire, laurel, streamers. This happens

As a friend asks me for my thoughts on applying to the Peace Corps and another asks me for my opinion about teaching in a struggling community, I relay the questions that I have had to ask myself in regards to both of these pursuits that have been passions at some point in my recent past.


As a friend asks me for my thoughts on moving in with his significant other and another friend asks me for my opinion about committing to a year abroad with her significant other, I obviously reflect on my decisions in regards to my former relationship with both those features.

And as I ask my friends for their thoughts on what their next steps will be or for their opinions about what they have learned from their own experiences in whatever they have done  in the past year, I find myself questioning how I make decisions and how I regard decisions I have made in the past year-or-so--which is a rather appropriate act for this resolution-making time of the year.

Shick-shick-Shenma? (Whick-whick-What?)

I love communication. It's one of my passions. So, learning Chinese is an absolute blast for me. Here I am gaining the knowledge of how to communicate with 1/5th of the world. More, probably. With my Spanish abilities (and my barely remembered Hebrew skills?), I may soon be able to have a casual conversation (if not a more intense one) with half (if not more) of the world. I am as happy as a little girl!

Speaking in Chinese is difficult. I am not the first to say as much, but I will elaborate on the difficulties I perceive. N.B. I have observed Chinese people even have issues communicating with one another.

Take a look at my life, I'm a lot like you were.

Accidental Personal Statement?

Much of the romance about exploration and connection relies on stripping away layers (like those of an Onion, mayhaps) to reveal mysteries beyond. What happens once those mysteries lose their undisclosed quality through revealing? What happens to the layers that have been stripped?

For a few years running, I have prided myself on adamantly believing in the power of human connection: connection with others, connection with environment, and connection with the self. Part of my ethos and part of my passions are to connect as much as possible; thus, I explore  and adventure with intent of learning more about others and their places--geographically and with regards to their sense of identity.

Environment onions:
As we delve deeper into new locales and societies, any past layers are not discarded as much as integrated into our knowledge and experience. What is the specialty of Sichuan province (i.e. food)? One of them is Sichuan greenbeans. With this revelation, I lose the mystery of the question but gain the knowledge of what to order in Chengdu. This is a minor example. This concept, though, is acted out on greater scales with regards to learning about hidden alleys with wonderful street vendors that become integrated into routine after being frequented. Once we start peeling away the layers of our environment and how it functions, we continue to add to a cumulative knowledge. There is no loss but the loss of mystery. I would venture so far as to say truly connecting with one's environment is a spiritual fulfillment. One creates a bond to something that is constantly shifting within certain solid structural (or natural) confines; in the past, I have found that this sort of connection with location is conducive to self-affirmation--in chicken-egg fashion, perhaps the latter facilitates the former. Regardless, peeling away an environmental onion reveals an essence of location, of time, and even of self onions.

What is to be expected? What is to be expected.

Fish don't tread water.

I would be the first to profess how foolish it is to begin a journey or even to begin most tasks with set expectations of how the journey and/or task will unfold and/or culminate. Without a certain amount of flexibility to the whims and uncontrollable forces of the world (especially in China), failure is a constant potential; disappointment, a guaranteed outcome. I know this.

Unfortunately, I am bearing witness, these days, to how knowing something and experiencing it may be stark differences that leave one questioning one's own ilk. As detailed to many of you at various points, I am enduring some trying times. Whether I am at school and facing indifferent students or abusive colleagues, or whether I am at home and elsewhere attempting to distract myself as methods of licking my recently opened wounds. There is no need to detail these trials any further, but my kind readership should be aware that I experience insecurity and stress no matter where I go and nearly no matter what I do. The stress in my life is inescapable because of how profound it is. I wish I could, as I say to myself, "Take it one thing and/or day at a time."

Taking It To Heart

Serenity now!

In the wake of my National Day vacation to emei shan (Mt. Emei, the holiest of Taoist mountains and located two hours southwest of Chengdu, China) and Leshan (home of the world's tallest seated buddha with toenails bigger than me) I am left reflecting on the balance of life. This seems appropriate and obvious (perhaps appropriately obvious) given the spiritually Buddhist sights I visited. Emei shan rejuvenated me with how it challenged me, with its beauty, with its spiritual essence that enveloped each of its hiking pilgrims much like the low-lying clouds that wrapped and permeated the mountain's sloping and sub-tropical forest; I returned lightened and having come to terms with pressing questions in my life--more on these questions later--only to encounter a burdening pain.

That is waterfall fresh laundry

I know I would fail in describing the climb up the mountain; I know as much because of how complexly beautiful Emei is. Since I feel like this excuse is more a cop-out disguising laziness, I will not use this lame reasoning to withhold  details of my experience on Emei. Instead, I will ask for your understanding given my struggle to find words while my thoughts are so helplessly scattered in the face of some personal and heavy-hearted trials.

A few stray descriptions and reflections will, I hope, suffice.

Battling thousands of Chinese people for a seat on a bus from Chengdu to Emei redefines "holiday travel." Imagine going to O'Hare airport on the busiest travel days surrounding Thanksgiving or Christmas; now, imagine that your airline has issued you a ticket to a destination but has not specified the time of your flight, the number of your flight, or your seat on the flight. The airline just sells tickets to passengers, thus allowing them to do whatever they feel is necessary to make sure that they get to their destinations in a timely manner.

I waited five hours with other sardines in Chengdu's bus station; it took me four hours to move twenty feet. I was elated that I did not have to use the restroom at any time during this experience. I was not elated that many Chinese people firmly believe that body odor is a "western problem."

Hip-hip (for now)

Though I have had certain struggles and bad luck this past year and though I continue to encounter difficulty with employment (more on this later), I had the fortunate circumstance of being able to choose between two fantastic programs/opportunities for the coming year:

1) American Jewish World Service--World Partners Fellowship
2) A teaching program in Shenzhen, China

After spending much anxiety-prone time considering these two options and weighing the benefits and risks/costs, I have come to decide on my future. Regardless of the decision, I have felt such a release knowing that I have been selected for anything--and to top it off, two things which I would love to do. A certain validating relief pulses through me. This feeling is so foreign, of late, that I am not entirely convinced that I will be going abroad on an awesome program. Sort of surreal.

Anyways, I have decided to go teach in China! I am enthusiastic about this decision and eager for an August when I will be learning Mandarin at Peking University and exploring the stones of the Great Wall. Cue jealousy.

The reasons for the decision mostly reduce to the following: The China program offers more support than AJWS. If you are not interested in reading the details from the aforementioned links, I will summarize some important factors (so you can see where my thought process is these days).

AJWS
-Opportunity for individual exploration in rural India
-Much more roughing it
-Connection to Jewish community
-Based on the grueling interview process and the caliber of the other candidates, this program was guaranteed to be rewarding
-Little contact with the outside world, little technological access
-High time commitment with little opportunity to travel, explore, be alone
-Indulge my social justice passions

China
-Be with C
-Paid, insurance included
-Advanced Mandarin education and TEFL Certificate included
-Flight reimbursement, travel bonus at completion of contract
-On-the-ground advisors
-100 fellow program participants in the same BIG city
-Access to Hong Kong and ample time to take advantage of travel, exploration
-Opportunity for individual and group exploration in East and Southeast Asia
-High connectivity to outside world, high technological access
-Moderate time commitment with lots of opportunity to travel, explore, be alone
-Indulge my passion for pedagogy

So yeah! I am enthusiastic to get from here to Shenzhen in September as quickly as possible. To contribute to this, I am continuing my streak of unemployment (sort of, since I freelance write). I trial-shifted at Zingerman's Roadhouse the other day, and I think it went well--fingers are crossed! Otherwise, I am dependent upon volunteering for paid studies. Soon, I may resort to being a figure model.

Life is good, though I retain a "cautious optimism" (as The A.V. Club says in their Newswire sign-offs) simply because I know how easily the rug can be yanked-out from under me.

Recent Tune(s): Beach House's "Teen Dream," Laura Veirs's "July Flame," Starf*cker (I loathe that name)
Recent Film(s): On a western kick...More in future posts. "The Wild Bunch" and "Appaloosa"
Recent Lit(s): "Amsterdam" by McEwan, Online Travel Mag
Recent Wish-List Addition(s): HBO to watch "Treme," to see "Iron Man 2," a job
Online Vid Sign-off:

My Sincerest Apologies

My friends and readers,

I owe you an apology for being so aloof recently. To call my writing sporadic would be generous. While there is no excuse for me shirking my social responsibilities (i.e. retaining domain name and space, keeping in touch with friends and family, etc.), please forgive me in lieu of many stresses and distractions.

Since returning to Denver (see entries on Tumblr), I experienced an undue and illogical pressure to "get my life in order." I have placed the phrase in quotations because that's a phrase I repeated to myself. I was not entirely sure of what "getting my life in order" meant.

I am still not entirely sure of the meaning behind that line. I think there is some sort of implication about financial security, occupational direction, intellectual inclinations, and so on. Many peers probably know what sentiment I'm referencing.

In any case, I felt a certain stagnant solitude having to return to a place I had already spent 18 years (albeit, pleasant and warm years). I had a view of myself being someone needing active and new pursuits in order to be moving forward in personal development and personal exploration.

This impression had compelled me into zeal over a move to Portland, Oregon. Not to discredit this zeal as Portland offered much opportunity and camaraderie in a new and unexplored environ, my emotions misinformed me to the point of myopic expectations of myself, my new digs, and those around me. I did not expect Portland to solve my problems; I expected Portland to offer me some distance from the aforementioned solitude in such a way that I could gain a clarity about my contemporaneous self with regards to my priorities and my passions--ultimately, based on these factors, my pursuits.

Unfortunately, I have spent much of my time in Portland pressuring myself back into this notion of "getting my life in order." This time, the notion has implied more about economic stability so that I would have time and comfort to figure my priorities and my passions. This has been wishful thinking.

I don't think that life allows us these sort of mental breaks from stresses that we all hope will happen once we conquer whatever is bugging us. There is always something to worry about. This is not an original thought, and I am inclined to direct any questions pertaining to the matter to the Woody Allen filmography and/or library.

I have been forcing myself to find a job. Reasonable and not a totally irrational pursuit.

Of course that's reasonable! It's sane. Unfortunately, I have been forcing myself to pursue positions that have little-to-no interest to me and which I know would only elicit misery and self-pity should I work those positions just to pay my bills or pad my account for a later adventure. Still, my lack of success in finding a job after applying to close to 100 positions in just one month...well...it has been demoralizing in the face of my knowledge that it may not actually be a result of personal failure or my own shortcomings. I have felt pretty far down about the process.

But, I am coming to a point of contentedness. Portland has been one of many opportunities. While none of the sub-opportunities of Portland have proven successful, I retain the right to pursue others.

So, a commitment to myself: If I cannot find a position in Portland by the end of this month of aggressive job pursuit, I will admit that Portland is not a sustainable environment for me at this point in my life. I will not rule out Portland for the future. But, I will remember that I am experimenting with the world and exploring myself. Enough bemoaning that which is out of my control (Damn you economy and your filthy out-of-control unemployment rates and highly competitive job application implications!) and time to celebrate this unique moment in life.

Perhaps a visit to my friend Jack to work on developing a tour company in Buenos Aires? Perhaps I will find a program at minimal cost (Or, gadzooks, no cost!) to send me abroad? To send me into a domestic volunteering situation? Perhaps a reunion with my lady friend to enjoy love and collaborative exploration of the world? Perhaps I will find a way to pursue scuba diving in a Spanish speaking country? Sweet sweet options.

I am doing well. I am finding peace of mind with my moment. I am sorry that I have been out-of-touch about myself and my adventures. I vow more connectedness--after all, connectedness is what I have always found to be invigorating and motivating.

Thank you for your understanding; happy new year; and all the best, fellow travelers!

Brief updates on random items:
-Antony and I are working on starting a book club. Our first meeting will be at the end of the month and we will discuss the first half of "100 Years of Solitude." Excelente.
-I am also reading Richard Dowden's impressively insightful book, "Africa." For anyone interested in trying to understand anything about the continent, I highly recommend the book.
-I am reveling in Netflix glory. I've seen all of "30 Rock," the first season of "Lost," and oodles of Netflix Instant films. I will try to be more diligent about my media writing.
-I am interviewing for Princeton in Asia, American Jewish World Service World Partners Fellowship, and various catering positions.
-Enjoying the tunes of Local Natives, Miike Snow, Yeasayer, The xx, and Andrew Bird.
-I just started a Twitter account--feel free to follow.

More importantly, we must all revel in the spice of life.