What is to be expected? What is to be expected.

Fish don't tread water.

I would be the first to profess how foolish it is to begin a journey or even to begin most tasks with set expectations of how the journey and/or task will unfold and/or culminate. Without a certain amount of flexibility to the whims and uncontrollable forces of the world (especially in China), failure is a constant potential; disappointment, a guaranteed outcome. I know this.

Unfortunately, I am bearing witness, these days, to how knowing something and experiencing it may be stark differences that leave one questioning one's own ilk. As detailed to many of you at various points, I am enduring some trying times. Whether I am at school and facing indifferent students or abusive colleagues, or whether I am at home and elsewhere attempting to distract myself as methods of licking my recently opened wounds. There is no need to detail these trials any further, but my kind readership should be aware that I experience insecurity and stress no matter where I go and nearly no matter what I do. The stress in my life is inescapable because of how profound it is. I wish I could, as I say to myself, "Take it one thing and/or day at a time."


Again, knowing is not experiencing: Just because I know how to get through these trials (thanks to the arsenal of coping devices I have honed in past personal battles as well as due to the loving support of true friends and family) does not mean I am not going to feel the pain and stress of actually going through them. I feel as though I have this astonishing clarity about how I feel regarding the trials of my life. After a really difficult year, I would expect as much of myself--there are those ominous expectations again.

I spent this past year questioning myself as I applied to over 250 jobs, positions, and programs with very little success. I spent this past year doubting myself as I teetered on the oft playful and oft terrifying edge of post-grad transition. And, I spent this past year reassuring myself that I could face some of the scariest and tallest obstacles I have encountered.

Thanks to the love and support of my family and friends, I found ways to navigate my personal straits of Scylla and Charybdis. But not without losing some parts of me and my youthfulness. I felt myself hardening.

Still, I approached this next chapter of my life (read: "moving to China") as the opportunity to leave behind so much of the stress. Of course this has not happened.

That is to be expected.

Perhaps that is one of the few expectations in which I can securely invest: Personal trials are inescapable. The world is a complex place that will always confront and challenge. I am not disheartened because of this. Instead, I am encouraged that I will always have the opportunity to grow and learn. Still, that joy at life's tests does not negate my recent let-down.

Perhaps the rating scale of service at my local bank should be taken to heart while in China:

Three stars = Unsatisfactory
Four stars = Average
Five stars = Satisfactory

I am of course being facetious; I am cautious of any system that does not allow the potential of two or fewer stars. I also balk at a system where the best possible is merely "satisfactory."

But on this note, I am segueing into the next segment of this blog post that is a little less personal and little more observational. This post is not nearly as narrative as I usually strive-for, but forgive the temporary inability to construct and create as I usually can. I am sure it will return. Until it does, here are some excerpts from my week's mental scrapbook.

It's been pretty foggy.

Books, Music, Movies, T.V.: I swear I will finish Oracle Bones soon. I think I will read a familiar and loved book thereafter. Maybe Siddhartha. I wish I had 100 Years of Solitude. That's always a good pick-me-up. Or The Life of Pi. "Schizophrenia" by Jukebox the Ghost, The Orchard by Ra Ra Riot, "The Re-Arranger" by Mates of State, Let it Bleed by The Rolling Stones. I bought some bootleg DVDs yesterday. And I am nearly done with season two of Mad Men while watching Glee. Pretty soon, I will start catching-up on Boardwalk Empire and I will start The Wire--I just got the entire series for about US$25.

This week's "to-do's": 
-Start flying my kite at the beach
-Snorkle
-Find a calligraphy tutor
-Buy stickers for my students
-Plan a Halloween costume
-Start planning a bush-whacking and scuba-diving vacation to Malaysia and The Philippines

Some links I wanted to squeeze in:
Number one link
Number two link
Number three link