Caught-up in "Maybe's"

Maybe I feel lighter.

In lieu of the recent slew of necessary questioning and searching I have conducted, I have spent some [also necessary] time contemplating the Chinese "maybe." Anyone who has held a conversation with a non-Native-English-speaking-Chinese-person knows that their individual uses of the word "maybe" are confounding, seemingly incorrect, and easily mocked. Here are some examples:

Me: There is no-one supervising that classroom and a boy just bit another boy.
Chinese Colleague: Yes. Maybe they are disobedient.

***

Chinese Colleague: Maybe you should come to the flag ceremony at 6 a.m.

***

Chinese Colleague: Maybe the school van will be there at 4:30 p.m. to retrieve you and your friends.
Me: Wait. But they are supposed to be.
Chinese Colleague: Yes. Maybe they will be.
Me: But they are contractually obligated to be there.
Chinese Colleague: Maybe they are obligated by contract. Yes.
Me: But...Um...Maybe.

***


In reflection, those are some weak examples. Regardless, I have deduced the following uses of "maybe":

1) To designate a command (e.g. "Maybe you will return from lunch thirty minutes early to teach another class." Translation: "We decided to give you another class. Be here at 1:50 to teach it.");

2) To indicate definitive description (e.g. "Maybe you are very young." Translation: "You're out of your league.");

3) To indicate that no one should not anticipate any sort of outcome because there are many variables in the universe that influence every single aspect of our lives; we are subject to the whims of our world--including the whims of our future selves' emotions, desires, and thoughts (e.g. See the conversation about the school van--which, of course, did not arrive);

The command form of "maybe" is, I think, a culturally-based and refined way of being gentle with a command. Allowing this fake sense of uncertainty allows for the person being commanded to take initiative to complete the task without actually being told to do so. What a privilege!

Similarly, the definitive descriptive form is a way of being gentle with criticism. This way criticism actually sounds like a suggestion or even a compliment. Inevitably, the person receiving the criticism can read between the lines of what is actually being cruelly and manipulatively communicated. Still, no one would dare call-out the criticizer at risk of losing face or at risk of damaging someone else's face.

I am sure there are many other uses. I think Chinese people (on an individual level) generally do not understand "maybe," but I think that Chinese people (on a group level) have the most acute understanding of the uncertainty conveyed in "maybe"--as demonstrated by my last understanding of their understanding of "maybe." Understand? There is even a zen-like and spiritual aspect to using "maybe" like this: In all its unpredictable and shifting [and ambiguous] states, the world should always be regarded with respect. Use discretion. Always.

Maybe I should think life is beautiful.

Recently, I have spent much time speculating about the quickly shifting conditions of life. I have been showered with love from friends and family who all encourage me to regard personal tragedy and pain with perspective. Certainly things could be worse; certainly I should regard my emotions with the time and processing they deserve. Still, perspective is an adhesive that has begun to seep through the cracks left in my shattered heart and crumbled pride.

There is a moment when I am flying my kite. The wind hits my face at the right angle and with the right speed that suddenly I am gently slapped with the notion that life is beautiful. Maybe I am starting to learn from adversity.

Maybe.

Books, Music, Movies, T.V.: Still chugging with Oracle Bones. My coworker gave me the rest of The Story of the Stone volumes, and I am now faced with the decision to endure the excruciating boredom of reading or to endure the morally ambiguous use of Sparknotes. "Ocean Breathes Salty" by Modest Mouse, "Walk on By" by The Average White Band, "Axis: Bold as Love" by Jimi, "Dead Ringer" by RJD2, "If I Ever Feel Better" by Phoenix. About to start season 3 of Mad Men. I also bought the entire series of The Wire for a little less than US$18.

This Week's To-Do's:
-Be nice to myself
-Start learning how to read Chinese
-Start writing fiction
-Find a way to make it to the Asian Games in Guangzhou