R-E-G-R-E-T, find out what it means to me.

I have been thinking a lot about decision making. The years immediately following undergraduate education have the potential to be a no-man's-land in a battle between embracing youth (and it's potential) and pursuing direction. This transitional space is rife with landmines and barbed wire that are otherwise referred to as "major life decisions." Some dodge the battlefield--blindly realizing that this, in and of itself, is a decision in regards to how to handle one's own life (i.e. procrastination and denial). I know others who look to maneuver around obstacles; and I know others who will do whatever it takes to steadfastly embrace youthful pursuits or to devotedly labor at the "next step."

Bear, motorcycle, high wire, laurel, streamers. This happens

As a friend asks me for my thoughts on applying to the Peace Corps and another asks me for my opinion about teaching in a struggling community, I relay the questions that I have had to ask myself in regards to both of these pursuits that have been passions at some point in my recent past.


As a friend asks me for my thoughts on moving in with his significant other and another friend asks me for my opinion about committing to a year abroad with her significant other, I obviously reflect on my decisions in regards to my former relationship with both those features.

And as I ask my friends for their thoughts on what their next steps will be or for their opinions about what they have learned from their own experiences in whatever they have done  in the past year, I find myself questioning how I make decisions and how I regard decisions I have made in the past year-or-so--which is a rather appropriate act for this resolution-making time of the year.

I do not regret my decision regarding my Peace Corps assignment and declining what I am sure would have been an excellent opportunity: I still believe the security and personal risks were too great for my own sense of comfort. Yet my experience adjusting to my trying work conditions in China have led me to question: What did I miss? For those following my blog or following me, you know that I have actually had this question on my mind pretty consistently in the past year--while I struggled through unemployment, several moves, application processes, and so on. Sometimes I imagine myself sitting in a room of similar proportions to my bedroom in China, except that this imagined room is in Rwanda, is more sparsely furnished and decorated, and is roofed with aluminum panels. I imagine dealing with ungodly large insects and sneaky snakes. The food I would eat, the different culture, the people, and on and on. I regret not experiencing that, though I do not regret my decision or where it has led me.

And it would be a lie to deny that I allowed a newly blossoming love to play a role in that decision--though not as a "make-or-break" element. Similarly, my decision to come to China involved weighing my dedication to that love.

These are just some of many significant decisions I made in the past year while pursuing love.

I do not think I ever sacrificed a real opportunity or my own development for the sake of that love, but I did dedicate an enormous allocation of my life and my goals to furthering that relationship. I mean not to delve any deeper into these stormy swells for that is a topic best left to a more private venue.

I know why the caged cassowary doesn't sing

Rather, I intend to address a question that one of my professors once posed as a challenge to all those who thought they "had a plan." Where in this plan will we meet the one we want to marry, have kids with, settle down with, etc? Granted this is not what everyone wants. Still, his point was that we have no control over the people we will meet, when we will meet them, or the effect they will have on us. I think somewhere in his point is also the question: Why isn't pursuing love as worthy of a plan as career development?

(N.B. I am not looking to get married, have kids, or "settle down" for the foreseeable future. I am omitting those goals from this year's New Year's resolutions.)

So when friends ask for advice about making major decisions with their significant others, I have only bittersweet advice to provide. I think about how different my relationship could have been should we have taken a different path for our love; and I think about what my perspective would have been like had I chosen a different path for myself. What lessons I wouldn't have learned! At what point, though, is following your heart or your passion involve personal sacrifice for the sake of a relationship? I wish I believed that we, as people, would not be forced to make these decisions, but the life void of such a decision is rare--and the belief that our own lives will be such lives is a naive optimism befitting heartbreak and narcissistic frustrations. Did I sacrifice too much too early in my life? Did I place someone else too highly when I needed to regard myself more during an extremely developmental stage of my life? This sort of decision making is symptomatic of love. So I do not regret the decisions that I made for love, but I regret how blinded I was to the greater impact these decisions would make on me.

I was motivated to write this post after finally seeing "An Education," a film in which the protagonist's decision making process plays a pivotal plot point: Love, Self, or Livelihood? For her, societal pressures also play a key role--one that it does not play for me. Though, societal pressures are not completely absent from my decision making process in regards to my professional or academic future.

And it is nearly time to make decisions about next year or thereafter.

Regret and decision making are inextricably linked. I think that the people who say we should live without regret are full of it. Often I hear that to live without regret is a form of embracing life and its romantic whims. However, I think to live without regret is a form of denial: I think living without regret is to deny we ever felt strongly for the alternative in major decisions. If our intuition is the ignition for our engines of conviction, powering our character mobiles, then our morals and values are the fuel. To me, regret is the fuel gauge that lets us know when we have erred against others or ourselves.

Regret functions as a reminder of the responsibility we take over our lives. I think living with a modicum of regret is important, as long as that regret is not crippling or detrimental to our appreciation of the contemporaneous. What is most important to me is taking charge of major decisions and taking responsibility for the repurcussions of the decisions we make: willingly stepping into "no-man's-land" to face the barbed wire and land mines with sheers and detectors.

Music, Books, Movies, T.V.: "Golden Cage" by The Whitest Boy Alive, "Courage" by The Whitest Boy Alive, "All of The Lights" by Kanye, Jamiroquai, An Education.